When my son was born, I promised myself and him that the cycle of trauma and addiction stopped.
I was awake for 12 years at that time. The road I got there was filled with abuse, shame, neglect and reckless use of substance.
But even if my story is heartbreaking, I know his son-my son will be different and he will never lack the love or support of his parents in the way I do it.
Escape from my environment and build a new future
I come from a range of family members who suffer from severe mental health and medication use disorders. They are all very talented, but very flawed, and they can never solve these demons.
Both of my grandfathers died of alcoholism. When I was 4, my grandmother got me drunk and almost killed me, and I was blamed for it.
I was a rising track and field star in school, but I also suffered from dyslexia and tried to keep up in the classroom. When I was in the third grade, the teacher would let me stand in front of the classroom and read to everyone, but I couldn’t.
No one advocated it for me – not my teachers or parents. They didn’t say to the teacher, “He has a reading problem,” they would say to me, “You are not working hard because you are a good athlete.”
Worse, my dad would remove me when he came home from his 12-hour work hours. What I was going to do obviously triggered him, and he beat my crap.
This is why I knew from a young age that I had to escape this environment alone. I left Australia and built a new life in the United States.
A few years later, when my wife became pregnant, the gravity of the impending responsibility was frightening. Before, I thought it was all about me. Suddenly, it’s about “us”.
I want a girl, but I know God will eventually give me a boy. Why? So I will be forced to be the one who destroys the cycle – so that I won’t do what my father does.
Indeed, I have a boy. When I saw him, I saw what I needed as a kid. I never put my hands on him. I want to protect him at all costs.
A very big thing
I always say to people, “Being a parent is a process. You are registering for a very big thing. So if you are registering for it, dig, because you are messing with another life.”
My job as a father is to give my son a safe space to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up. There for him; guide him to be his best friend; and be a good role model.
I will teach him the skills needed to succeed. I will teach him how to be a good person. That’s my job.
I have been carefully modeling the kinds of behaviors and choices I want him to see.
I also urge parents to understand that they don’t have to fit into the stereotype of “down and out” and hitting the well-known bottom of rock for treatment.
Even senior professionals including the health industry can rely on substances while still managing their lives, without realizing that such dependence may harm their families and livelihoods.
There are many CEOs, doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals that play a role to some extent, but they still need treatment and should not be ashamed to look for it.
In this way, they will set an important role model for their children.
History does not have to be repeated – unless we allow it
This is known to any father who is struggling now: your past does not have to write about your future. There is help, you can change the trajectory of your life and the trajectory of your family. Addiction and trauma do not have to be passed on to the next generation. The cycle can be stopped with you.
For many fathers, this means seeking help or going to heal. I see my father taking bold steps for them and their families every day.
There are conferences there, too. If you are afraid to attend a meeting in person, you can go online. There is a great community.
Don’t be ashamed. Eliminate shame and forgive yourself for making mistakes. This is part of human experience. We should all make mistakes.
Recently, I was asked what my son would say to his son when he grew up. I would say to my son very simply: I am trying to escape my reality because my reality is so painful. And you never have to escape from reality because I’m here to serve you.
A story of freedom
The biggest thing that Recovery taught me was to stay present. One day is one day. I recently celebrated 19 years of recovery.
What did I learn? Recovery is a way of life. It’s about process and progress. No perfection. This is for yourself, so you can show up for others.
Rehabilitation ensures that you are healthy in every area of your life, so you can help others and provide services. Because we all recover from something.
My story is one of millions of people – shaped by struggle, but not defined by it. What sets me forward is the hope that my son’s story will become one of freedom, not survival.
Image source: Flickr user makelessnoise
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